The confession Oprah wouldn't show

Lance Armstrong's reputation my be lower that a punctured sew up, but what about Pee Oui's?  Maybe you'll call him naive, stupid, gullible or just plain Pee Oui, but he swallowed the Lance denials hook, line and lager.  And why?  Read on.

Oprah:  Pee Oui, did you ever see Lance Armstrong use drugs?

Pee Oui:  No, not never, not ever.

Oprah:  Did you ever see him drink beer?

Pee Oui:  Yes, many times when he was shilling for that Missouri swill Michelob Light.

Oprah (laughing

hysterically):  So, Pee Oui you thought the Lance man was able to kick butt on all the other dopers by drinking beer?

Pee Oui:  Well, it works for me.  And besides I figured he was sneaking some Shiner Bock or good micro brews on the side.

Oprah:  But Pee Oui, the roughest competition you've ever gone up against are the lug nuts that attend your Milwaukee rides.  That's like comparing a jet exhaust to an anal sphincter.

Pee Oui:  You may have a point there, but I had more reasons to believe Lancy boy.  Just watch this video clip from the 2004 Tour de France, the day I gave him the Amazing Healing Power of Beer stickers.

Oprah:  Pee Oui, you're even dumber than I thought.  Lance suckered you then dropped you like a used rubber.  You really believed the day he beat Jan Ullrich, who dropped out of cycling because of doping charges, Ivan Basso, who got suspended for two years, Andreas Kloden, who paid 40,000 Euros to get a doping investigation stopped, and Floyd Landis, oh let's not talk about him, to win three mountain stages in a row, a feat only done once before by Gino Bartali in 1948, and you know he wasn't just running on cappuccino, that Armstrong was powered by beer?  I mean nearly 50 years ago Jacques Anquetil, the first five-time Tour winner, said everyone in professional cycling dopes and those who say they don't are liars.

Pee Oui:  Ya but, Armstrong is an American, and from Texas, and he wanted to go into politics.  Oh, I get your point.

Oprah:  You better wake up and smell the Sprecher Pee Oui, or it's all up Alpe d' Huez from here.

Pee Oui:  Well Lance may have lied to me and a lot of other kids, but I still believe in the Amazing Healing Power of Beer.  It's gotten me where I am today and I'm sure costs a lot less than you pay for your personal trainer, a lot of good that's done you.

Oprah:  OK, I'm sold.  And to tell the truth Pee Oui this figure didn't come from sipping diet drinks.  I can afford those delicious $15 a four-pack micro brews and I kick 'em back with the best.  Oh, if that gets out it would nullify my Slim Fast endorsement.  Oh Sam (the producer), this interview is over.  Erase Pee Oui and if the tabs ever get a leak about it you'll be back on the south side.

Pee Oui:  But wait Oprah!  This confession was supposed to restore the cred I lost when Lance spilled the beans.  I was living large.  I seldom had to pay for beer at Wolski's. 

Oprah:  Tough tapper Pee Oui, the Pope just resigned and was supposed to confess on my show, but from what we hear he likes beer, so sheet can that too.

Pee Oui:  Guess I should write a book:  The Perils of Pee Oui, One Pint at a Time.  Or maybe:  It's Not About the Beer.  But that would be a real lie.